This one's from the archives: Beginning in 2005, I worked as a "concierge" at various mid-town hotels. Namely, the wonderful Hotel Pennsylvania (yup, the bed bug, homeless person infested palace directly across from MSG) which we affectionately called "The Penn." It takes a special person to work at this hotel and handle inquiries ranging from "do you know where I can get a hooker?" to "Have you seen my friend...he usually cleans up in the bathroom downstairs?"
I have seen two presumably dead bodies in my life. Both at 7am, in my suit, as I headed to work at the Penn- half dead myself.
This story is from one of my first days working with Peter (his name has not been changed because I am very confident that, should he happen upon it, he would love this story)- he is still there, keeping it real at the Penn.
I had heard a little bit about him, that he was weird and aggressive- the managers seemed to like him. But I was not expecting what I got.
In walks this large Puerto Rican/Italian dude in a suit. He is very loud and full of Bravada (is that a word?), very “charming.” He asks me about my story, and at one point asks whether I am married, divorced, dating, or single?
I consider the question, decide to respond with the truth: "Single."
And he looks at me like I just passed gas.
Following the proper conversation protocol (I looked it up, that is the correct spelling)- I take a risk and ask him about his own romantic situation.
Peter: "Nah, I got married at 19, but thats in the past."
My Brain: Cryptic...
Peter: "You have any kids?"
Me: "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha....." mouth open, head back, face red, hysterical laughter.
My Brain: Wait...do I look like I have had kids? oh god.
Even after I laughed in his face and then began spiraling down the dark part of my "I must look fat today" girl brain Peter decided to carry on with the oh-so-light subject of relationships. The following is a monologue inserted with my thoughts.
My Brain: huh. Guess I shouldnt have laughed at the kids question. oops.
Peter: "I live with her and my BM."
My Brain: Bowel movement? Bachelor of music?
Peter: (obviously catching on to the blank look on my face) “Baby mamma.”
My Brain: Oh, right....wait, WHAT?
Peter: “It’s hard to explain our relationship. We are together, we have a kid, she dates other women and I date the women she dates.”
My Brain: Well, I think you explained that well. I am so glad we had a chance to...WHAT???
Peter: “Right now we are really into Asian women, so if you have any Asian friends who are up for a good time, tell them to ask for Ammo.”
My Brain: Who is Ammo? Is he like Iced Cube or something? Should I know who that is?
Peter: “That’s my alias."
My Brain: Of course it is.
Peter: "Hey, You're cute, what's your alias?”
My Brain: Scared. Officially.
