The campus Kroger is bustling and Adam and I are easily distracted as we search through the aisles for honey and granola. Suddenly, a young man comes sliding by us in his Kroger t-shirt with no shoes on. Like, working in a grocery store with food and such, and no shoes.
"Excuse me, are you not wearing shoes?"- me
"Yeah...I stepped in salsa."- Teenage Kroger employee bitter about life cause he is working the Saturday night late shift so he is just trying to amuse himself by sliding down market aisles in his socks.
"Ah. Carry on then. "- me
Checking in with Adam (who now has obtained a banana, an apple, a pear, a nectarine, strawberries, raspberries, yogurt, honey, and granola...ummm...so I dont know how this became a recipe blog all of a sudden. Sorry for the random details about the foodstuff...I must be hungry) we head to the check out line...and then IT HAPPENS...The craziest, most innappropriate, disgusting, thing that has ever happened in a check out line...
There is a man with no underwear on and pants that begin about halfway down his ass cheek and a jacket that stops at his midriff in front of us. There was easily 7-8 inches of visible, full on crack. It was as if we were being mooned...He was old and leathery...and obviously insane. The contents of his cart were as follows:
200 20 oz bottles of Mountain Dew
a bushel of bananas
one cheese log
and no underpants to speak of...
On the positive side of life, it felt like a holiday, or like we had all been locked in an elevator for hours together. Every Kroger shopper within eye shot of the ass man felt a bond with one another and we were able to share things with one another that we never would have had the opportunity if we only encountered fully clothed civilians...
"I was just trying to buy stuff for a party and then this happened..."-clearly nerdy college sophomore who was making sure we knew he was heading to a partay!
"I thought I could handle it, but I am not sure..."- group of guys behind us who were very proud of their upcoming natty light purchase
"You are stronger than me, I had to switch lines."- me, congratulating the girl in front of us in line, who had spent at least six minutes diverting her eyes from the cavernous crack in front of her
As Adam and I moved away from the ruler sized amount of ass crack we struggled through the self checkout and inadvertently stole raspberries, two Cadbury eggs, and charged ourselves 4 cents for a leechee. Mad Eye Mooney apparently was able to pay for his caffeine and cheese log supply and I was pretty sure he was going to get off and we were going to be arrested for shoplifting as we walked out. Our plan was to plead insanity. Insanity due to increased and totally unecessary exposure to a strange derriere ditch...
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